I think I'll go away

I think I'll go away,
I told her,
but I cannot tell
if it's a forward charge
or a desperate retreat

she seemed taken aback,
I must give the illusion
that I am beyond happy
in my near perfect home

I think I'll go to the country,
I told her,
and write and read and paint and draw

she asked what I would do for money
What, my works won't sell, you think?
I tease her,
No, I said, I don't need it
any more than I have, that is

How will you eat? she inquired
Her tone logical
her role as the devil's advocate,
not giving an opinion, just knowing
that I've thought nothing through

I'll farm, or work at a local pub,
or teach at the university,
or act if it comes to that,
God willing it won't

We share in a chuckle,
I can see the pain
starting to leak into her eyes
as she slowly realizes how serious I am

she doesn't seem to know
that this is my asking
her to come with me,
or how easily she could convince me to stay